If you haven’t found work that you love – you might find a clue in this post about finding the love of your life.

Behavior is a funny thing to put your finger on.

Most of us have a pretty foggy idea of why we act the way we do.

Beliefs, fears, values, needs and wants all influence our behavior.

It’s amazing how seldom we even consider our motivation.

But that doesn’t stop us from jumping to conclusions to explain the behavior of others.

The last frontier in human relationships may be the wild, wild west of online dating.   I kid you not.  Many women put up better pictures of their cats, dogs and horses, than of themselves.   I often wonder what kind of love they’re really looking for.

Yet I am having a ball searching for the love of my life.

I thought it might be fun to jump to a conclusion and share it with you.

My experience

Approximately 70% of women looking for love online say they want two things in man, honesty and a sense of humor.

Yet is it fair game to expect honesty but be unwilling to deliver it?

If you really want to experience the delight of natural humor then quit using it as a mask to hide your true emotions.

Saving Vulnerability

Here’s what I mean.  I bring my A game to every relationship, no matter how brief. I’m authentically expressive, vulnerable and often robustly direct.

Here’s an excerpt from my profile where we are asked to describe what we want in a match.

I want stand-by-me loyalty. I want frequent verbal and physical demonstrations of our love. I want no pretense, so a down-to-earth, authentic woman is my preference. I want a courageous woman who will ask for what she wants and I want to know what she needs. I don’t want to be put to the test or be required to guess. Finally I want to be allowed all the way into her heart so that the most trying and vulnerable times only make us love one another more.

I’ve learned not to settle. I’m looking for the love of my life. I’m romantic, strong and vulnerable. I believe the best adventures are of an inner nature. I like exploring deep consciousness, deep emotional connection and the deep delight of our bodies. If I fall for you, I’ll get ahead of myself. That’s why I’m bearing my soul here. I trust you to tell me what you like, want and need. I want to love and be loved.

I’m very comfortable sharing my deepest emotions and truth. I express meaningfully and well in all manners of communication, verbally, written and well, you know.

If you want to be championed and accepted for who you are, I’m your man. I must admit a preference for a full head of long hair. I want to be able to lose my mind burying my head in your hair. I melt when you show your ears and wear your hair on top of your head.

I’m visually stimulated but just as much turned on by penetrating conversation. I prefer tall over short and hot over not. I understand that some ladies in my age range have lost their libido. Please find it before contacting me.

Yet I’ve so far encountered very few women who are willing to match my forthrightness.

Why is that?

If we can’t speak from the heart, in matters of love, where can we?

Some women protect their vulnerability like it’s their virginity.

Is genuinely expressed, self-awareness, such a rarity that it’s meant to be grudgingly doled out?

If not for a possible love of your life, for whom are you saving your awareness and vulnerability?

Waking all the way up

Awareness is simply choosing to observe oneself in both thought and action and then being willing to adjust accordingly.  I like this question.

What am I thinking and doing that’s contributing to what I’m experiencing?

My jumped to conclusion

Being cautious, taking it slowly, not wanting to get hurt, not wanting to get your hopes up, are all conveniently crappy excuses to hide behind.

I know you’re afraid; so am I.   But I can’t see the real you when you’re hiding behind the symptoms of your fear.

I’ve had my heart broken, more than once and it’s one of the most powerfully alive experiences I’ve ever encountered.  Why run from that?  What better wake up call to evolve from?

Perhaps these women simply don’t know themselves that well or they do and they’re afraid to come out as the incredibly messy beings we all are.

Gender Disclaimer

Just as I don’t intend to bash women, I’m not excusing the stupidly juvenile behavior of many men.  I know what frustrating idiots we can be.

I also know that any heart must first be open to receive authentic love.

I’m concerned about this post coming off as bitter.  I’m not.  This doesn’t describe every woman I’ve met.  A few know themselves well and they aren’t afraid to express as the delightful angels that they are.

I also understand that there’s an incredible volume of hurt to work through before most can openly love and freely express love.  I wish I could give everyone of you a big hug but I can’t, if you won’t let me get close enough to reach you.

Work that you love

What’s this got to do with finding work that you love?  Actually it applies very well.

Can you speak to the connection?

Care to jump to your own conclusions regarding my experiences or this post?

Have at it.  Lord knows, I’m willing to be a fool for love.

Announcements & Resources

If you’ve struggled with career change clarity you’ll want to attend this free phone class: How To Clearly See What You Ought To Be When You Grow Up

New Career Change resource pages are up at CoreU Coaching.  Career Change and Discovery, Starting Your Business and Nine Elements of Authentic Career Discovery.

Create Your Inspired Info Product In Five Days, is an excellent, low risk way to start your own business.

Life speaks to us all the time.  Mine wouldn’t let me sleep last night.  I had some unexpressed anger to feel, so I got up at 4 AM and wrote it out.  My favorite anger release is to go outside and play “Little John” by smacking some dead trees with my staff, but it’s too damn cold for that.

Anger is an emotion that begins first as a feeling (physical vibration) in our bodies. But if we don’t give it the space and time to be felt, it will just duck under the covers of our consciousness and come back to bite us in the ass later.  Feelings don’t morph into emotions until we attach thoughts to them. When we don’t feel a feeling and instead judge it as good or bad, it must surface in the way we’ve labeled it.

On Monday I got some disappointing feedback, not in its truth but in its delivery.  I’d shared my vulnerability with a friend and asked him to be gentle, supportive and encouraging, regardless of the quality of the work I’d submitted, for his review.  For some unknown reason, he was unnecessarily harsh.  But since I wanted the feedback, I silently listened and took notes. Interestingly I’d just written about support and speaking up.

I knew that my friend’s behavior was just a trigger for a deeper self-anger that I’d buried.  I’ve previously shared the techniques I use to feel my feelings and about the power in begin pissed.  So I’ll not cover that ground again.  But I would like to write about accepting our darker sides.

Authenticity isn’t just something that we express when every thing is coming up roses. It’s also authentic to be pissed when you feel off kilter and anger is trying to surface.  Years ago I quit wearing the mask of false happiness. While writing this I was tweeting back and forth with fellow coach Tim Brownson when he half-jokingly said.

I don’t even know what authentic is other than to be doing what I want to be doing. Tim Brownson

Thanks Tim, that seems like a pretty powerful definition to me.
But is it advisable to share ones authentic darker side, in a public forum like Twitter?

A well-known social media expert recently tweeted something like this. “Don’t share anything here that you wouldn’t put up on billboards all over town.” Even that pissed me off, because he seemed to be saying, “wear the mask – don’t be real – be careful.” Bullshit to that! I wouldn’t pay to express my anger on a billboard but I’ll not run from it either.

Perhaps people, who play it safe and cautious, end up doing business with others who also value appropriateness over authenticity. I guess playing it safe could be genuine for them. But when I see someone holding back, I question his or her integrity. I think trust comes first, from simply being real.

I’ll close with my favorite three stanzas from The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.   Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Resources:

If you’re just dipping your toes in the social media waters, here are four experts worthy of your trust: Christine Gallagher, Kathy Hendershot-Hurd, Kim Woodbridge and Suzanne Bird-Harris.

Solo entrepreneurship can be a lonely journey and if you have a non-supportive spouse or significant other, it can feel even lonelier. Lately I’ve seen a greater number of brand new small business owners, who feel as though they are all on their own, even though they are in relationship. 

Even if you are not presently in a personal partnership you may feel the need to seek relationship support from close friends and family members. In either case you may be been surprised by what appears to be the lack of unconditional support.

When I was building an entrepreneurial business 14 years ago, I was married with two young teenagers. During the business development stage, I was working over 70 hours weekly and telling myself the classic workaholic’s lie. “I’m doing it for them.”

It might make you feel better to rationalize your non-supportive behavior, but if you are anything like I was, deep within, you understand that being an absentee spouse and parent is not doing anything for them. Furthermore, you are mostly doing it for you and it’s okay to admit that truth.

If you need relationship help now, you’ll still need it while building your business but then there will even more pressure on all fronts. Everyone is familiar with a couple that tried to solve their relationship problems by having a baby. Did it work for the couple you knew? No? Then why would birthing a new business improve your relationship?

Here’s another big lie.

It’s not personal, it’s only business.  Donald Trump

Everything is personal! When Trump and others use that line, they are only trying to justify less than human behavior.

You and the actions you take are the main reason why your business succeeds or fails. If your life sucks then your business results will suck.

If you have weak personal relationships that drain your energy, then your focus will be lacking. Without a strong focus, your decision-making, personal productivity and inspired actions will all suffer.

If you don’t have strong spousal support or unconditional support in your close relationships, you first need to understand them from their perspective.

When a life partner cautiously advises you not to venture out on your own, they are not questioning your ability or resolve to succeed.

They are only speaking from the perspective of their own fears.

They could fear having less time with you. Your initiative could be forcing them to face their own fears of success, of failure or of never being authentically fulfilled in their work. And of course they could be thinking about having less money and how that affects the household budget.

Good personal relationships are essential to making good business decisions. If you are fighting battles both at home and in the marketplace, you will lose on both fronts.

My first coaching  certification was in relationship building and more and more it’s my relationship coaching skills that come into play first, with my small business clients.
If you’re considering starting a small business, first repair or end non-supportive relationships.

You might enjoy these tips for a confident career change.

Remember this brilliance in the face of relationship problems.

I’m never upset for the reasons I think I am.  Eckhart Tolle

What relationship challenges do you need to understand greater, in order to build your business with less resistance?

What adjustments need to be made in your relationship with you, so that you are more grounded and your business is more supported?

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